Sweet Caroline

is on loop. it reminds me of a particularly forgettable monsoon day in kolkata. menthol cigarettes, and a taxi ride to Princep Ghat. P and me walking down the rail tracks to Scoop. talking about the city and a future we were both afraid of. R cracking jokes and wanting to go back home. it is strange that I remember this day so well. it wasn't a particularly remarkable day rather it was pretty gloomy with water logged streets and fucked up transport. occasionally when i close my eyes and think back of kolkata i am reminded of that evening. meeting P, A and S somehow seems hollow with R's conspicuous absence. i wish i could go back and visually capture that day. if i had only known R would leave us all so far behind maybe i would have.
sometimes i wonder if i am just holding on to a past that is best left behind. i have been reading mark scot's paper on theorising grief and maybe that is what has triggered this. maybe its all just a part of of this well played out drama where grief is but a performance to be played out. maybe i will go back to princep ghat and walk down the road with P, only this time R won't be with us.